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It has been quite a while since I've updated...
School has started up again and I'm pretty much indifferent...
I've been feeling sort of two-sided, I'm starting to finally be comfortable as myself, but at the same time subtly sad.
It's mostly hard-pressing loneliness...I just want to meet people I can talk to.
High school is a bad, unrelatable place for people with maturity.
I don't want to do drugs, alcohol, or boys.
And I can't help but be mad at people I don't even know for indulging in these annoying teenage cliches.
I guess I'll be out soon enough, 2 years...since this year was only just begun.
I'm sorry for both of us that this entry is so flat and typical. It just has to be so, and both of us need to accept it, for what it is.

So, I have been doing better overall. My right hand has been numb constantly for nearly two months and I haven't had many episodes. There are still some days where I'm just totally wiped out and feel bad, but they are fewer in number. I am having a few problems with my stomach and eating again. I have this really weird food "thing". I have basically been living off of cereal and milk. It seems if I eat anything else I feel very sick, or I'm just flat out not hungry for it. I'll have to say something to the doctor next time I go, which is the end of this month. My recent appointment with my gynocological endocrinologist went well. She finally prescribed me some pain meds, which made me happy. She really seems to think that it's likely that I have endometriosis, but she said a biopsy isn't really necessary unless it gets unbearable.

On a happy note, I've been spending what little time my friends have away from work with them. And it's been a good time. Now that I'm less fitfull about it, maybe the depression medication is a little necessary. I mean, I'd be fine mentally without it, but I just feel more comfortable with myself and others since I"ve been on it. I'm a little excited to go back to school, but at the same time, the date on which we return nears too quickly. But it will be nice to see everyone again, no matter how much I dislike the majority of them.

One thing that I've found really disappointing is that I've taking so much time to do nothing, I've not working on my new album much. Summer is really the only time I have to work on something like that, but my voice has been in really lousy shape lately with all my colds and sniffles. Oh well, I'll get back to it sometime.

So, my kitty is gone. I miss her, but I know it was best for her. Lately I've been really feeling awful. We were supposed to call the doctor two days ago to let him know how the past three weeks have been. My last appointment was three weeks ago and he talked about some...options I have if my condition has not improved. The days I feel good I feel excellent, but the reverse is true for the days I don't feel well. I get hit really really hard whenever my symptoms decide to show up. My right hand has been numb for over three weeks without any improvement. I've also had three different attacks in three weeks. The past few days I've been having awful dizzy spells whenever I stand/walk or move too fast. Also, when I eat I usually feel really sick. My mom is making things really difficult, because she keeps telling me it's too expensive to see a neurologist. I know it's a lot of money, but still. I guess she doesn't feel like whatever is ravaging my body is all that intrusive. But then again, she's not experiencing it. I want to make sure what's wrong with me isn't what I suspect...because if it is, it's progressing really rapidly and I'm afraid if we don't act quickly, devastation may manifest. I don't tell her that, because she'll just say I'm being paranoid.

I had a doctors appointment today and he finally is talking about giving me a neurologist referral, so I have to stay on my current medication for three more weeks and if I'm still not drastically improved, I can get a ref. I hope I'll be a lot better, but sadly I doubt it. :-( It's been three months since my problems have started and I've been feeling basically the same since the middle of April. But I'm trying to remain cheerful.

Today is one of those rare days in which I actually delight in reading old poems of mine. If only I had the courage to share them with my English teachers/school literary magazine.

The only poetry unit I had in school was in 7th grade.

I wrote a mess of description, color, and nonesense called "Clay Like", found here:
http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1277064

A poem about a dying flower called "Frayed Adoration":
http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1290521

And one that had to rhyme, but I made it work somehow named "Fully-Aquatic, Semi-Adaptive":
http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1287838

We had a student teacher from a local college and she was the first "real" person to ever praise my work. Though, surprisingly this time was almost my lowest point in life thus far...it made me happy and proud to impress a college student with my 12-years-old poetry. Though, the first two are merely blabber and seriously needed edited, I'm still partial to the last.

But, now I'm afraid that because many of my current poems are so dreadfully morbid, they will include unwelcome concerns involving my emotional state if I share them. Just because I have an awful propensity toward penning poems involving vibrant, though well-masked death, violence, and even sometimes mild sensuality...I merely mirror the world, from a common vein, no less. Okay, lame excuse...but do not all poets, aside from Hallmark coupleteers, have some sort of natural gift for describing their most haunting and macabre fantasies, dreams, nightmares? Death is easy. It, like love and loss, connects everyone on this planet and serves as common ground. Some lack the stomach for it, so they opt for sentiment...but unfortunately I love the dark.

http://www.fictionpress.com/~chasmaticwords

So, I've decided that despite my cravings for new music that have grown increasingly intense, my lack of employment, need for funds toward my trip to Spain in spring, and semi-boredom already...I am not pursuing a job. I was thinking the other day...what did I really hate more...the actual job itself or the fact that I was totally selling out for money? I simply refuse to work a job that makes me more miserable than I already am. My mom continually tells me that since I'm not an adult, I cannot be choosy...but, I counter. I can be as be as picky as I want since I'm not supporting myself yet. Heh'. I think I'll take a weekend job once school resumes, but I want to have the summer to myself. A lot has happened in the past year, I need some time to myself where I have nothing to worry about and little responsibility.

My condition, sadly, deteriorates and my parents are not helping. My mother deems me "drama queen," it really is quite sick. I am a person, their daughter, trudging about with this forsaken ailment and they make fun of me. I wish I were healthy, I really really do. I want to walk and enjoy the wind whipping my hair...doing a brief tango before the sun folds behind the mountains and sky bears the emblem of night, darkness. Goodness, it's difficult. I try to stay upbeat, I really do...but I am constantly nagged. It makes me irritable. And I have no inspiration...I cannot even live for the moment, or the day, or the week, or the month, or the year. I, like Morrissey, have been killed...yet I walk around, somehow. So, maybe I am a bit dramatic. But these are words. These are thoughts I use to paint up my silly lil' life. If I were without them, I'd be nowhere, even farther lodged into my semi-chasm than I am already. (sigh)